This won’t be the first Father’s Day I have spent without my father, and not the last. However, for some reason I have been thinking about him a lot. It has been 6 years since he passed away, and some days I miss him so much, it feels new. Other days I feel like he is just down the street. Sometimes I actually forget he is gone and think “Dad will get a laugh out of this when I tell him.”
I have spent many Father’s Days away from my father, not due to his death. While growing up he was gone for military purposes, and then again when he and mom separated and divorced. then, I knew my dad was “out there” somewhere. Now, he is really gone. Leaving a big hole in my life.
I’m told that as long as I carry him in my heart and have memories of him, he is never really gone. That isn’t what it feels like when I need a hug from my dad, or need to talk to him, or want to share something with him. It really feels like he is gone. I can’t pick up the phone and call him, I can’t tell him how much he means to me and how much I love him, and I can’t tell him how much his faith and confidence in me means to me. Memories can’t hug back, can’t talk back, I can’t feel them.
I’m not angry that my father is dead, I understand that it was beyond his and my control. I know that God calls us all, and our life has to end. I just miss him. Nothing else, I just miss him. I wish we had more time together, I wish I had known he was going to leave me so soon and so suddenly, I wish I could have said goodbye.
Am I going to tell you to not take your fathers for granted? No. I don’t think people really take other people for granted. I do, however feel that we take for granted that our loved ones know how we feel about them. I know my children and husband love me, but it is nice to hear that they do now and then. My son tells me he loves me after every conversation we have. Even if he calls me back and talks to me again in 2 minutes. He always tells me he loves me before hanging up. My oldest daughter does the same. We give each other a hug and kiss and an “I love you” as they or I leave to go home.
I will probably always miss my father around holidays and birthdays, I expect that, and I don’t expect that to ever change. Each “every day” gets better, but the “special” days are hard.
I love you Daddy, and Happy Father’s Day, you were the best!